Why I just don't fit in anywhere

I am on my way to quit the Whatsapp group of my NDA coursemates. Quite normal with me. I just don't fit in in any group in which others so easily blend in.

I just can't be a nobody. I MUST have a voice. That seems to contradict my self-belief that I don't need anyone's approval and I have no desires.Then why do I insist on having a voice in a group?

I am not sure but let me attempt a theoretical explanation.

It could be that while I seem to be quite desireless, I feel that if that be so, why be part of a group? One joins a group because one resonates with the main focus of the group. So, to be part of it and still not partake in its activities makes no sense. If one finds the activities abhorrent to ones basic nature, why stick on? Why not get out and roam free?

Within a group, I create waves not just ripples. No one likes it and, quite naturally, protest. But creating waves is my nature. If I believe in some thing, I must say so. And I believe in extreme positions. Middle of the road in not where I walk.  Too much traffic in the middle of the road. By definition there are too many average guys walking there. I am not an average guy. I won't budge an inch just to make it palatable or practical.

It seems that this disenchantment with popularity stems from my basic nature of worshipping the tramp model of life. That being so, it is no surprise  that I just don't blend it. Quite content to go along the lone path humming 'मैं और मेरी आवारगी' (  I and my being a tramp)

फिरते हैं कब से दर ब दर, अब इस नगर अब उस नगर, एक दूसरे के हम सफर, मैं और मेरी आवारगी,
न आशना हर रहगुज़र, न मेहरबान सब की नज़र, जाएँ तो अब जाएँ किधर, मैं और मेरी आवारगी

Aimless wandering - the ultimate of life. You're free not when you don't have a need of anyone. You're free when no one has a need for you.

Is it intense turmoil masquerading as serenity or the other way round? Don't know.

I really don't fit in anywhere but I do know that am quite happy not fitting in.

But one thing seems clear to me. Whatever comes naturally to me must be followed, not eschewed. After all - I am all I have.