India is a terrible place to live in but I feel great when I am here

Just read about a well known musician who grew up in Rio before moving on to Los Angeles summing up his experience of living in Brazil and the US, ‘The US is a great place to live in, but I feel terrible when I am here. Brazil is a terrible place to live in but I feel great when I am here’

This contradiction also sums up my feelings about living in India and the US. India is a terrible place to live in, but I feel terrible great when I am here. However, it is not as cut and dried as can be expressed in two sentences.

I think it is question of the short term and long term feelings. In India, I sense great warmth in several small encounters during a week – the fervor of religious processions, the hustle bustle of baraat (wedding) processions, the jostling of small traders in the market place, the din at family get-together and the crowds at the the small eating stalls all over town. In the short term in the US, I feel alienated by the antiseptic surroundings, the lack of facilities to move between two places which I’ve thought up only at the last moment, the haunting absence of salesmen inside shops and the overly orderly crowds as though life is a military parade.

The long term, though, is altogether different

In India, it is the absence of law and order - nothing for the common man, everything for the rich and powerful. The unending queues and lines, only to be told finally, ‘No cash in this ATM’. The filth and muck on the streets. The total lack of quality control on all commodities. The sight of helpless children of the poor who just have no chance of a future of even average happiness. The utter exploitation of humans by brother humans.  The sickening face  - and tales - of Indian netas (leaders).

In USA, it is the sense of security and orderliness. The assurance that the state will come to the rescue of the oppressed or in need.  The ease of living life in all its glory. The glory of its national parks. The easy availability of just about anything. The rich social and cultural diversity and the universal acceptance of same. The wonderful public libraries. The outstanding sense of customer service. The march of science, research and development.

How wonderful it will be if I could live in India in all my short term moments and in the US in all my long term.

But beware. Don’t take this ‘I feel great when I am in India’, as acclaim for it rotten civic system and the government. It is a salute to the warm genetic code of its people. Maybe, I like it this way and it is an acquired taste.

What if Indian people could team up with American system!

Nationalism or Patriotism? Well, neither.

Been reading a lot about the differences between nationalism and patriotism. Tried choosing one of the two slots that I fit in best. After a fair bit of struggle, I realized that I fit in neither.
Even being a patriot doesn't appeal to me. To me, patriotism means that I approve of something - even if it is the people, culture, boundaries, language --- which is Indian. I approve of it over anything else which is in the world. Now how can that be. What else is bias? If it is good, it is good. If bad, then bad. Just because it belongs to something I am affiliated to, doesn't make it better than something I am not affiliated to. Once I start doing at, all evil starts. Things in my circle stop bothering about getting better or right. They already have my vote - so why bother?
If a limiting boundary is at all to be laid for my approval, why should it be the national boundary. Why not Asian? Why not the state or city?
Can't tie me down. Vaudhav kutumbakam ( The world is my family).

For a Gujarati - dhanda karne ka, baki vanda nahin.

Selection of the new president, Govind or Kovind, whatever, by Modi and Shah is a confirmation of what they deeply are -- Gujaratis. It is not meant to be a casteist remark because I am referring here to the trait of Gujaratis to be highly focussed on their business. That is what makes them so successful in any business they pursue. Dhanda karne ka, baki vanda nahin. Everything - family, pleasure, personal feelings - all are firmly pressed down when it comes to dhanda.
The President of India has practically no powers. He also has no responsibilities. Is just a torch bearer who no one has any use for. If the cabinet send him a bill which says ' President of India is a fool', he will HAVE to sign it. So, one expects to have a President who is well known for his magnanimity, liberal views and erudite achievements. If one has use a position as a flower, a rose suits better than a cauliflower.
But for a Gujarati, everything is second to the dhanda at hand. For Modi and Shah, the dhanda at hand is the election of 2019. So, they look hard as to what benefits can they find in this, towards the 2019 elcctions. And they come up with the name of a man who everyone now is asking ' Govind or Kovind who?' Who is this man.
Well this is that man who is the ammunition used by Modi and Shah on their polotical opponents. He is a dalit, that too a non jatav dalit. Let us see who opposes his nomination. Woe on him who opposes a dalit candidate. Is a very evvective weapon in the battle of the dhanda.

Matured in just one day

 I matured in just one day - 20 Jun 13. Arundhati Roy did it. Having purchased the kindle version of her latest ' Ministry of utmost happiness', I set out to read it. What is she getting at? What is the story line? Was it about the plight, or happiness of hijras? No, no. Is it her way to document the political and social situation of India? Doesn't look like. Was it an essay of how she sees the Kashmir problem? Not really. Then it struck and made me mature in a moment.
She was not aiming at any of these things. She was just narrating incidents as she saw them, without aiming to make them fit an aim. You see, she was expressing herself, not explaining herself. Only people who don't feel the need to fit pre-set expectations can do that. It is others who are then forced to find meaning in them, rather than they working to meet the expectations of others.
At age 64, why am I occasionally sending requests to others to hire me as a trainer? When I do so, my whole personality, even if it be on the web, changes.Willingly or unwillingly, I acquire a salesman subservient role, eager to have other find use in me. That's not maturity for a 64 year old. Also, it constrains my expression. I say what I think they want to hear or what would meet some fixed ends, rather than just to express what I observe.
Intending to act free from now onwards.

My relationship with my army

 I seem to have a love-hate relationship with the army.
On second thoughts, that's not the right explanation. That's what happens when you try to explain a complex relationship in just a sentence.
I surely love the army, but I definitely do not hate it. However, there is something negative in it, in my perception.
Let's take the love part first.
Whenever I am in a an army environment, I seem to be having the best part of my life. That's love isn't it? I am at ease in an army environment. Interacting with army officers, and more-so soldiers, seem to boost up my whole being. Something is very good about it.
If I try to analyse it ( which is not a good exercise at all), I feel very good vibes in an army atmosphere.
Now let's take the aspects that affect me negatively.
I don't find any emphasis on efficiency. For an organisation that sends people to their death missions, a non-emphasis on efficiency seems highly irresponsible to me. The systems, the people are reasonably well intentioned but not efficient at all. The sections, the platoons, the companies, the bns - at every level, they simply could be about 300% better.
The worst part is that no one is bothered about this sheer waste.
Sometimes I think that too much emphasis on efficiency would kill the warm feelings in the army? Could be. But only if it is overdone, as probably was in the US army during the Vietnam war. But one doesn't have to overdo it.
Just get more efficient, without killing off the cohesiveness of the army. Can be done.
With that, I can now describe my relationship with the army much better. I think I love the army, but I do not respect it too much.
And personally, I'd much rather be respected than loved.

Why I just don't fit in anywhere

I am on my way to quit the Whatsapp group of my NDA coursemates. Quite normal with me. I just don't fit in in any group in which others so easily blend in.

I just can't be a nobody. I MUST have a voice. That seems to contradict my self-belief that I don't need anyone's approval and I have no desires.Then why do I insist on having a voice in a group?

I am not sure but let me attempt a theoretical explanation.

It could be that while I seem to be quite desireless, I feel that if that be so, why be part of a group? One joins a group because one resonates with the main focus of the group. So, to be part of it and still not partake in its activities makes no sense. If one finds the activities abhorrent to ones basic nature, why stick on? Why not get out and roam free?

Within a group, I create waves not just ripples. No one likes it and, quite naturally, protest. But creating waves is my nature. If I believe in some thing, I must say so. And I believe in extreme positions. Middle of the road in not where I walk.  Too much traffic in the middle of the road. By definition there are too many average guys walking there. I am not an average guy. I won't budge an inch just to make it palatable or practical.

It seems that this disenchantment with popularity stems from my basic nature of worshipping the tramp model of life. That being so, it is no surprise  that I just don't blend it. Quite content to go along the lone path humming 'मैं और मेरी आवारगी' (  I and my being a tramp)

फिरते हैं कब से दर ब दर, अब इस नगर अब उस नगर, एक दूसरे के हम सफर, मैं और मेरी आवारगी,
न आशना हर रहगुज़र, न मेहरबान सब की नज़र, जाएँ तो अब जाएँ किधर, मैं और मेरी आवारगी

Aimless wandering - the ultimate of life. You're free not when you don't have a need of anyone. You're free when no one has a need for you.

Is it intense turmoil masquerading as serenity or the other way round? Don't know.

I really don't fit in anywhere but I do know that am quite happy not fitting in.

But one thing seems clear to me. Whatever comes naturally to me must be followed, not eschewed. After all - I am all I have.

The Haryana incident has shaken up even me

I always felt that I know India's sore points and hence it is quite impossible to shock me with any one event of India that shows her in bad light. But the Haryana incident has proved me wrong. India is possible of murkier events than even I give her (dis)credit for.

A community in Haryana claim their right to reservations in jobs for at least a year and half ---- and no one cares. Then they protest for 4 days and still no one cares. Then things go wrong and violence starts. City after city burns. Trains are stopped on main routes and road traffic is blocked completely. Al this is happens not in a remote corner of North East, but just next to the capital of India, in one of its's most prosperous states. Then curfew is imposed with order that no more than 5 guys can get together and police deploys itself to enforce that order. But all one sees is thousand of protesters swarming around the policemen, who are out to enforce a 'no more than 5 at a time' rule. No one seems unduly perturbed about the rule of law or the lack of it. This much even I would condone in India. As I said, I know her only too well.

Then it explodes. The army is called in. They too deploy but to no great effect. For moving into some areas, the army has to move in by helicopters. Even the army can't move on Indian roads Wow.
Violence erupts. 18 killed, more than a hundred injured, On TV screen, one sees huge cauldrons of fire, taking in vehicles, markets and banks. To my military mind, it looks as if someone has unleashed an incendiary attack on Haryana.

I thought now the representatives of these people, the MLAs. would be seen in their constituencies, pleading with people who voted them in, to stop this and burn the next house 'over their dead bodies'. Why did I think so? Probably influenced by reading in history as to how one frail old man, Mahatma Gandhi, not even an elected representative of Indian people,  stopped the Nohakhali riots single-handedly by moving through people in their madness. What else are leaders meant for? On those days, the India PM was giving political minded speeches in BHU Varanasi, instead of roaming the streets of Haryana.

The protester stop water to neighbouring city - which happens to be India's a capital. India's capital has water left only for a few hours more, at rationed scale. If nothing done, foreign embassies would have to use the diplomatic bag to get water from home country.
Unable to control things, the government gives in. They announce that the demands of protesters will be met. Just beats anyone that if demands were just enough to be met, why then the mayhem?But India never gives answers. It just amazes you.
But the best, or worse, was still to come. It comes to light that on one of the days, vehicles were stopped on road, women dragged out and raped in sight of the family members. Jeans and inner wear of women are seen strewn around and eyewitness say that they saw women dragged in bushes and then -----. But no complainants, which is easily explainable. When Indian police could not protect a high visibility accused ( Kanhaiya of JNU), forewarned and forearmed, INSIDE the sanctum sanctorum of Indian justice, the Supreme Court, only a foolish woman will come forth to give evidence in India. No one want to be raped twice.
No great resentment in India. No government toppled. As for the PM and Home minister, I wonder if they even gave it 10 minutes of their time.
Is India Africa? No. Africa is much more civilized and their elected representative more accountable.
Has this never happened in India before? Yes, worse things have happened. So, why am I so amazed?
Because we have a right to expect that things will get better by each year, not worse. We shouldn't measure civilization with reference to the depravity of yesterday. And also look at the political power structure in this case. The same party rules Haryana and the Centre. The party in power has 282 MPs on it own and close to 330 in the NDA alliance. Such power and also such lack of power!
Yes, India never ceases to amaze me. The bigger problem is that being in such depths of civilization does not bother most Indians. They are quite happy. If you don't even know you are sick, how will you get treated?
The easy acceptance by most of us of such a hellhole, is what shocks even a cynic like me.
Great place, great guys.